woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
