how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
