he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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