thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
