worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
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