Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
