note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
