I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
