This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Randomize
