i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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