i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I would fuck him just for his dog
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
