I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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