Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
