Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize