If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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