I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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