Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
