I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
