Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
