All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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