You're my little dorito
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
