How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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