Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
