i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize