He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
me + whiskey = a bad person
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
