you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
