I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
soo... how was my night?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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