I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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