Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
