i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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