I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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