a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
