Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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