also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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