The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
