how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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