i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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