eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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