She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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