I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
the raccoons are back...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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