dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
