Can i not drive my cunt home
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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