the condom got lost in my hair
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
