Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
