i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
