Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
