I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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