she was so not down for the gang bang
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
