you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize