Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i think my cat just said my name.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
