I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
