I just made out with a guy for $7.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
