I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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