Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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