When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize