im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
