Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
