I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's like God shit irony all over that family
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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