I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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