Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
