I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
They have beer where we have blood.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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