Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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