People with herpes should wear stickers.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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