he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
