I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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