oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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