There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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