I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
