Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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