I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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