I accidentally had phone sex last night
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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